Sherlock Holmes - Elementary Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

- Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replies, - I see millions of stars.

- What does that tell you?

Watson ponders for a minute.
- Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
- Watson, you're idiot, someone has stolen our tent.

An aircraft is about to crash...

An aircraft is about to crash.There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player.The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if Idied".So he takes the first parachute and jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States.I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President.She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W.Bush, says "I am the President of the
United States of America.I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die".So, he takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already old.I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute".The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you.America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."

 А joke about blondes 

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde?I'll handle this.I'm married to a blonde.I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston.

Catholic men and woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."
 

It's dark here

A woman and her lover are in the house while the husband is at work.Her nine year old son comes in, and after seeing them making love he hides in the wardrobe and watches them.All of a sudden the husband comes.Wife hides her lover in the wardrobe, without knowing that her son is in there.Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer ball.
- That's nice.
- Do you want to buy it?
- No, thanks.
- My dad is outside.
- Ok, how much?
- 250 dollars.
After a few weeks man and boy run into each other again in the wardrobe.Boy:
- It's dark here.
- Yes it is.
- I've got a soccer cleats.
Remembering what happened last time, man asks:
- How much?
- 750 dollars.
- Ok.
After few days, father says to his son:
- Lets go and play soccer.
- I can't, I sold the ball and the cleats.
- How much did you get?
- 1000 dollars.
- That is terrible, how could you ask so much money....that's much more than they are worth.That's a sin, so you should go to the church and confess.
Father takes his son to the church confessional.Boy gets in, closes the door and says:
- It's dark here.
Priest:
- Don't start with that shit again!!!

 Get married in Heaven 

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident.They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St.Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?When St.Peter shows up, they ask him.St.Peter says, 'I don't know.This is the first time anyone has asked that.Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait.Two months pass and the couple is still waiting.As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all.'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered.'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St.Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St.Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St.Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here!Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

Most Famous Man Who Ever Lived

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20." As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

Anybody Home?

A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered:
- Hello?
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked:
- Is your Daddy home?
- Yes, - whispered the small voice.
- May I talk with him?- the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered:
- No.
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked:
- Is your Mommy there?
- Yes, - came the answer.
- May I talk with her?
Again the small voice whispered:
- No.
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
- Is there anyone there besides you?- the boss asked the child.
- Yes, - whispered the child, - a policeman.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked:
- May I speak with the policeman?
- No, he's busy, - whispered the child.
- Busy doing what?- asked the boss.
- Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman, - came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked:
- What is that noise?
- A hello-copper, - answered the whispering voice.
- What is going on there?- asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered:
- The search team just landed the hello-copper.
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked:
- What are they searching for?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
- Me.

 Shoe repair shop. 

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket.He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute.I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back."That's terrific!Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed."They'll be ready on Thursday," he said calmly.

Money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money.He was a real miser when it came to his money.He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me.I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died.He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend.When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised.I'm a good Christian, I can't lie.I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did.I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."